Bang for the Buck

I recently changed my start page. I had been using CNN on and off for several years. On because I like the convenience. Off because it feels more and more like I am watching Entertainment Tonight than reading from an actual news source. So last week I decided that my brain was probably turning into that gooey stuff they use to preserve ham so I ran a super-creative search: "Best Online News Sources."

The first three suggested were BBC, The Christian Science Monitor and Voice of America. I'd never really heard or read much about Voice of America so I decided to try that for a while... The problem now is that I am so addicted to the shiny-happy-people format of CNN, I can hardly force myself to tackle all those words on the VOA homepage. I guess this means that I'd like to imagine myself as someone who really cares about solid news and reporting but I just don't have the time and attention span. UGHHHH!

Now that the confession of the day is over, on to even lighter news... CNN has those cool links that take you to the main sites of partners like Sports Illustrated and Money Magazine. I must admit, this is pretty clever and a great example of that networking thing that everyone else seems to understand. Of course, in order to participate in all that cross promoting, the companies agree (happily, I'm sure) to dummy down all the material on their sites. For example, Money does these cheesy lists--top ten this and the best and worst of that... The articles are little more than pictures and tag lines. But naturally, I am right there clicking through them. Chalk it up; they've hit the target audience right in the middle of our vacant foreheads.

This morning, Money ran a list of the best and worst places to find housing deals. Not surprisingly, the best deals are in places like Detroit, Michigan and Youngstown Ohio; the worst are in New York and Los Angeles. The funny (read annoying or irksome) thing was the houses they pictured in the article. The article boasted about how much house $105,000 will buy you in Detroit but the picture showed a house that costs $239,000! What is that? In fact, every example showed a house that cost way more than than the average they had listed for the area and well beyond the medium income of people living there. So what was the message supposed to be? ....You can find some great housing deals out there as long as your interested in the kinds of houses that are so nasty that our corporate partners won't even let us show them on this website...

This got me thinking about real bargains--you know, things that might fit the criteria of say, desirable AND affordable. Right? 'Cause a fire sale on yachts or a yard sale in front of a strip club really only appeal to small or curious subset of people. So here's my list:

BEST BARGAINS for people who don't furnish their yacht with used brass from foreclosed strip clubs:

10. A sensible key chain: By this, of course, I mean something that you can lift. But beyond that, how about something that has some meaning to you. I admit, it seems a bit insignificant. But think about it. You touch these things every day. Why not get something meaningful? You have to have this thing in your pocket or purse so why not make it something that lifts your spirit or reminds you who you are? At the very least, keep it simple so you don't wreck your ignition.

9. Carbonated Soda: It's not good for you and I am by no means suggesting you start drinking more of it but it is actually less expensive than it was when I was growing up in the late 1970s and early 1980s. And I am not talking about inflation; a can of pop literally cost less than it did 30 years ago. The same is true for Levi's and many other things but I am pretty sure the reasons are different. I think Coke and Pepsi are produced stateside and do not involve the messiness of child labor. The exceptions here are craft sodas made with cane sugar rather than corn syrup and diet sodas of any kind. I know a lot of you drink diet soda but I don't know if you're really getting a deal here.

8. Calvin Klein Underwear: This is sort of the other side of #7. Jones Soda is without question better tasting than Coke or Pepsi but one bottle of Jones for the price of twelve Cokes? A treat maybe but not really a bargain. So how can $20 underwear be a bargain? I am not sure where they get the cotton and I'd rather not know who is sewing it together and under what conditions. But I'm saying, the stuff is better. But, Mark, you can get so much more for your money at Wal-Mart or even Target. How is a $20 pair of grunders a good deal? All I can say is, have you ever worn this stuff? It's only the TOTL boxers though--not the weird and crazy stuff that's everywhere at Marshalls.

7. Fish Food: This one almost doesn't qualify. But the obscurity is overcome by the math. How many fish (even Betas which are pretty durable) will you be flushing before you need another batch of this stuff?! You could go through a lifetime (yours not the fishes) and never need another one of those containers.

6. Air Purifier/Humidifier: Huge difference in price and purpose but both can be well worth the money. This rationale is similar to the underwear. As a rule, you shouldn't really skimp on things that go on your body or pass through your lungs.

5. FJ80 Series Toyota Land Cruiser: Of course I have one; this is a blog, right? These were produced from 1991-1997. But what about the "no yachts!" objection? I hear ya, but these things are like fish food. You don't want to buy one new--unless, of course, you can. But look at the value now. At $60K they were worth every penny--they'll go anywhere and outlast years of abuse... Today, you can buy them for under $10,000. Sure, you will probably get a vehicle with worn seats and a few scratches but remember these are the same vehicles they are still driving around the deserts in Africa and yours has spent the last fifteen years parked in some doctor's three-stall garage. Caution: This is not a politically correct bargain. And don't buy the Lexus version. Those are just decadent.

4. The National Park System: Biggest bargain in the world, at least in terms of size and it will be here for millions of years...provided we resist the temptation to trade it away... You can buy an Eagle Pass for less than $100 and visit every National Park, Monument or Historic site in the country for one year and you can return as many times as you like. The experience will bless you in the moment and spawn memories that will last a lifetime.

3. Pie and Coffee: O.K., it doesn't have to be this exactly... But taking time to enjoy a conversation with a friend or a moment of peace and quiet... UNDERRATED! This is the bees knees people! Call a friend and meet them. Call your mother or your dad or pick you kid up from school in the middle of the day. This is the stuff that Mastercard commercials are made of. Apart from my Land Cruiser and Swiss Army key-chain, I'd trade just about anything for coffee, pie and a good conversation. Or I should anyway.

2. An Education: Make no mistake--Schooling can be a terrible deal. Lots of people borrow or spend tons of money to go to college and then waste the investment. The truth is that most learning is actually free. [Stick your finger in a spinning blender sometime and you'll see what I mean.] But sometimes an education does cost money. College, especially, can be very expensive. So when can we call it an actual "bang for the buck?" Two answers: When it helps you follow a dream and when you begin to appreciate learning for its own sake. The real deal is not in the diploma or credentials. It's in learning to value education itself.

1. A Pet: I am thinking of dogs and cats but as long as we're talking about companionship, the return on the investment is unquestionable. You can even get a pet for free but there will be a maintenance cost that you really don't want to avoid. I know that people sometimes have trouble with their pets. But these folks are probably excluded by the "companionship" rule. Besides, the carpet stains and obedience issues are probably their fault anyway.


Happy hunting! Now let's hear some of yours...